Carlin political rant

"This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? 'You give us a color, we'll wipe it out.'"

"The difference between left and right of center...originated in the French parliament. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. Broadly speaking. And generally speaking, people on the right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. The rights and the rights of property. And generally speaking again – it's all generalized – the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. That's generally been true.


"I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created."

Bill Cosby - Noah: Excerpt

Noah 
   by Bill Cosby

There's fella by the name of Noah
Built an ark
Everybody knows he built an ark.
You see
What Noah do? Well he built an ark
But very few people know about 
The conversation that went on between the Lord and Noah
You see Noah was in his rec. room
Sawing away, he was making a few things for the home there.
He was a good carpenter


Noah!

Somebody call?

Noah!

Who is that?
It's the Lord, Noah.

Right!

Where are ya?
What you want? I've been good.

I want you to build an Ark.

Right!
Whats an Ark?

Get some wood build it
300 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits.

Right!
Whats a cubit?


Lets see a cubit...I used to know what a cubit was
Well don't worry about that Noah
When you get that done 
Go out into the world and
Collect all of the animals in the world by twos
Male and female, and put them into the ark.

Right!
Who is this really?
What's going on?
How come you want me to do all these weird things?

I'm going to destory the world

Right!
Am I on Candid Camera?
How you gonna do it?

I'm gonna make it rain for a thousand days and drown 'em right out.

Carlin on Religion

George Carlin
On Religion
ObjectiveThought.com
 12-23-5
 
When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
 
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!
 
But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
 
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.
 
No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.
 
So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.
 
And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.
 
Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.
 
I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.
 
But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?
 
Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?
 
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
 
So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
 
For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.
 
So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.
 
And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.
 
In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!

Europe -- a series of near misses. Woody Allen

Europe for me, as a matter of fact, was a series of near misses. I was at a cast party, and I was in the corner and I was playing the vibes, very sexy like a jazz musician. And a great girl comes up behind me, really elaborate, and she says to me "You play vibes?" I say "Yeah, it helps me sublimate me sexual tensions." She says "Why don't you let me help you sublimate your sexual tensions.", so I figured "Great", y'know, "here's a girl who plays vibes." I turned quickly and asked her out for a date, but Peter O'Toole, who's in the movie, asked her out first - aces me out, y'know - and she was a beautiful girl, so I said to her "Could you bring a sister for me?", and she did: Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow night, y'know. We discussed the New Testament, y'know. We agreed that He was extremely well adjusted, for an only child.

Thank You Masked Man. -- Lenny Bruce

By Lenny Bruce



Narrator: Here's a bit. It's about a good man, a man who was better than Christ and Moses: The Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger was so good that he never waited for a "Thank You." He cleaned up the whole town for you and split --

Mask Man (in the background): Hi Ho, Silver!

Dominic: What's with that putz? The schmuck didn't wait! Mamma made coffee and cake and everything. What is the hell is with that guy? I got my hand out like some jackoff and he's already on his horse already!

Person 2: Yeah, yeah: "The Lone Ranger" -- so what the hell does that make him?

Dominic: What an asshole! Is he kidding, that guy? Schmuck! I'm standing there like this with the Mayor and a plaque and everything. . . . I'm going to punch the shit out of him if I ever see him again!

Person 1: Take it easy, Dominic. . . .

Dominic: Take it easy, my balls! Is that guy kidding me?

Person 2: Look, he's the Lone Ranger. He's a good-natured schmuck, he ain't got a quarter. [Pause.] You don't know about him? He's got a problem and goes to analysis. He can't accept love.

Dominic: Eh?

Person 2: We don't even need him any more. He comes around here -- we recognize the mask with snot all over it. It's disgusting! But he likes to go through it so we play it out for him, ya know. Here's his favorite bit.

Person 3: Hey you! What'd ya have a mask on for? Are you an outlaw?

Person 2: This makes him really crazy.

Mask Man: I'm an outlaw! I'm an outlaw! You should be an outlaw the way I am an outlaw!

Person 3: So why do you wear a mask?

Mask Man: Never mind! I'm an outlaw. Get away from me kids, I hurt people.

Person 2: Is that believable? "I'm an outlaw"?!

Mask Man (to himself): Get a kick in the ass for being nice to people?! I'm out for Number One from now on, brother. No one is going to shit on me. I'm out for Number One, boy; Number One is the one and then they get, later.

Person 4: Nice guy?! How come the asshole leaves bullets then?

Person 1: I don't know. That is kinda weird.

Person 4: Sure he's nice: the asshole leaves bullets for kids to fool around with!

Person 2: I told you what the innuedo is: Dr. Ehrlich the Magic Bullet.

Person 4: What's that?

Person 2: Syphillis.

Person 4: Eh?

Person 2: He's telling you in his own special way that the whole world has syphillis.

Person 1: Dr. Ehrlich the Magic Bullet! Of course.

Person 2: Why do you think he rides off with his mouth closed?

Mask Man (in background): Hmmm hmmmm hmm-hmmmm!

Person 4: Are you kidding with that?

Person 2: Of course, when he's outta audible range he's goes on and on about how he thinks he might of caughta dose.

Dominic: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to beat the shit outta him. Get the horses ready: I'm gonna punch them first.

Sound of horses.
Sheriff: Hold the fire on the North ridge! Hold it!

Dominic: OK, Mask Man: I'm gonna whup the shit outta you, buddy, right now.

Sheriff: Whew! God-damn, it took us about 15 minutes -- boy, you think you're pretty god-damn smart. You're hot shit, aintcha, buddy?

Dominic: Look at these kids here, they made cookies and wrote a song called "Thank You, Mask Man." There's your hero! The man too good to accept a "Thank You" from little children, little children in the crey-paper costumes. Right now, buddy, you're going to explain or I'm going to whup the hell outta you, you hear?

Mask Man: I'll explain if you get your god-damn hands offa me, you barbarian! You see, the reason I never wait for "Denk you" izzat I put two boys true college.

Sheriff: What's that?

Mask Man: Dot's right! I put two boys true college and I don' even get a "Denk you"!

Sheriff: A "Denk you"?! Oi veys mir! The Mask Man's a Jew!

Mask man: Of course, schmuck! Dot's why I never talk on the radio show -- all you ever heard me say on the radio show was "Hi Ho Silver!" -- dot's all! You see. . . . Some goyim are coming? Zugnish! Don't zay a void! . . . OK. You I tell. The reason I never wait for a thank you is that -- well, supposing that I did wait for a thank you. Just for a supposition.

Little boy or girl: Thank you, Mask Man.

Mask Man: What's that?

Little boy or girl: Thank you, Mask Man.

Mask Man: "Thank you, Mask Man"? Who the fuck said that?

Little boy or girl: I said it. Thank you, Mask Man.

Voices (in background): Help! Help! Mask man! Mask man!

Mask Man: Just a moment, getting a few thank-yous here.

Voices (in background): Mask man! Mask man! Help! Help!

Mask Man: Don't break my balls, now! I've done you people a whole lotta good and now I wanna get a few thank-yous in return.

Little boy or girl: Thank you, mask Man.

Mask Man: "Thank you, Mask Man." Is zis vot I've been running away from all deese years? What a god-damn fool I've been to run away from a sound like dis. It's beautiful! Let me hear it again!

Voices (in background): Help! Mask Man! Mask man! Help!

Mask Man: Not you, you miserable ingrates! I mean you, wit da babyface.

Little boy or girl: Thank you, mask Man.

Mask Man: "Thank you, Mask Man." Isn't that something? I'm going to get a "Thank you, Mask man" every god-damn day! I'll put 'em all down in a book: It'll say" Thank you, Mask Man." Do you think that I've always worked at this fucking hardware store? Hey, you see that? You see what it says right there?

Everybody: Thank you, Mask Man!

Mask Man: -- It's signed "People of Syosset, Long Island." Izzn't dot something? When I'm old, I can lean back on my book of "Thank You, Mask Man"s. Yes, it's true I can't ride anymore, but would you like to see a little something that I did? Look at that.

Woman formerly in distress: Thank you, mask Man.

Mask Man: Then one day, it's almost five o'clock. Where is the "Thank You Mask Man" Man? Has the "Thank You Mask man" Man been here today? You do have a "Thank You, Mask man" for me, don't you? I thought it would last forever. I've led a very flamboyant existence: I've pissed all my "Thank You's" away. You don't have have any, do you? Just gimme one, so I can make it to the next town. One "Thank You, Mask man"?

The Prophet (booming): There are no more "Thank You, Mask Man"s. The Messiah came during the night. All is pure. [Pause.] You're in the shithouse.

Mask man: The Messiah? But what has this to do with me?

The Prophet: Well, you see -- you are like men such as Jonas Salk, Lenny Bruce and J. Edgar Hoover. These men thrive upon the continuance of disease, segregation, and violence. The purity they do profess a need for, they just feed upon.

Mask Man: You mean?

The Prophet: Yes! Without polio, Salk is a putz.

Mask Man: Well, then, I'll make trouble. Because I'm geared for it. And I must have a "Thank you, Mask Man," at all costs. . . . You see, this way what I don't have, I don't miss -- that's why I always ride off without waiting for a thank you.

City official: God-damn it, Mask Man! Whoo-wee! You can sure talk your ass off! What the fuck you talkin' about? All this Commie horseshit: "Thank you, Mask Man." The kids fell asleep. Wilbur's got blue balls, he's got to get back to the base! He's got me dizzy with all that bullshit: "Thank you, Mask Man." Look, buddy, I'm here -- I'm working for the City, you know what I'm saying? I'm just here to take a photo with you for the Daily News, and then get the hell outta here. C'mon now, shape up and accept a present, and then we can haul ass.

Mask Man: A present? For the children? Alright I'll do it -- no ashtrays, though. . . . Gimme the Indian over there!

City official: Who, Tonto?

Mask Man: Yes, I want Tanta, or whatever the spic-half-bred's name is. I'll take him.

City official: Spic half-bred?! God-damn, you can't have Tonto.

Mask man: Bullshit! You made the deal, and that's what I want: I want Tanta the Indian!

City official: Look, buddy, his name ain't Tanta, its Tonto and you can't have Tonto.

Mask man: Bullshit! I want Tanta, I want Tanta the Indian!

City official: God-damn you, you hippy freak, I wanna tell you -- What the hell do you want Tonto for, anyway?

Mask Man: To perform an unnatural act.

City official: What?

Mask Man: You heard me: to perform an unnatural act.

City official: The Mask Man is a fag! God-damn! The Mask Man is a fag! The masked Fag Man! Oh, Lord! I'm getting dizzy. Don't look at him kids! The bad Fag Man. Oh! {Spluttering.] The Masked Bad Fag Damn Man. You fag bastard, you! God-damn it, kids! Mask Man, I never knew you were that way!

Mask Man: I'm not a fag, but I've heard so much about it, I've read a lot of exposes on how bad it is, and I want to try it, just once. . . . You know? I like what they do with fags in this country: the punishment is quite correct and consistent with the rest of the law: lock 'em up with a bunch of other men -- hmmm, very clever. . . . Uh, wash him up and get him ready! And, uh, I tell you what, uh -- give me that white horse, too.
 

City official: You twisted fag bastard! 


City official: Get off him, Tanta, that's terrible!

Mask Man (riding off): Hi ho, Silver!

Jonah

Say, "Lookit here. Here's a little bit of nothin' to me and miles from noplace.
You gonna hip me, The King of the Dip, what the lick is?"
He says, "I got a good mind to gobble you up!"
Jonah said, "Don't you do that, Mr. Whale.
Cause if you do I'm gonna knock you in your most delicate gear!"
The Whale say, "That do it!" Brrruudummm! And he swallowed Jonah.

Bill Cosby Noah's Ark

Noah 
   by Bill Cosby

There's fella by the name of Noah
Built an ark
Everybody knows he built an ark.
You see
What Noah do? Well he built an ark
But very few people know about 
The conversation that went on between the Lord and Noah
You see Noah was in his rec. room
Sawing away, he was making a few things for the home there.
He was a good carpenter


Noah!

Somebody call?

Noah!

Who is that?
It's the Lord, Noah.

Right!

Where are ya?
What you want? I've been good.

I want you to build an Ark.

Right!
Whats an Ark?

Get some wood build it
300 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits.

Right!
Whats a cubit?


Lets see a cubit...I used to know what a cubit was
Well don't worry about that Noah
When you get that done 
Go out into the world and
Collect all of the animals in the world by twos
Male and female, and put them into the ark.

Right!
Who is this really?
What's going on?
How come you want me to do all these weird things?

I'm going to destory the world

Right!
Am I on Candid Camera?
How you gonna do it?

I'm gonna make it rain for a thousand days and drown 'em right out.


I just wondering,
What would be the effect of an Ark on the average neighbour?
Now, here's a guy going to work, 7 o'clock in the morning 
Noahs next door neighbour and he sees the Ark.
Hey!
You up there!
What you want?
What is this?
It's an Ark


Aha
You wanna get it outta my driveway?
I gotta get to work
Listen, what this thing for anyway?


I can't tell you
Hahahahaha!
Well, I mean can't you give me a little hint?
You wanna a hint?
Yes, please
How long can you tread water?
Hahahah!

'Course Noah had a heck of a job really
He had to go out and collect 
All the animals in the world, by two's
Two mosquitoes, male or female
And, uh, he had to keep telling the rabbits
Only two, only two, only two.
So we find Noah pulling up the last two animals
Two hippos and he's really in a hurry to get em up
Because hes afraid that the Lords gonna call him
And ask him to do something else
And his nevers are shot
This is one heck of a job for a man 600 years old

So we find him pulling up the two last hippos
And of course the Lord does call him there
Com'on fat hippos hurry up 
Com'on will you please?
Noah!
What? What you want?
Gotta take one of those hippos out 
And bring in another one
What for?
'Cause you got two males down there 
And you need to bring in a female
I'm not bringin' nothin' in 
You change one of em'
Com'on you know I don't work like that.

Well I'm sick and tired of this I've had enough of this stuff
I've been working all day
Working on it for days and days
I'm sick and tired of this
Noah! 
Yeah?
How long can you tread water?

Yeah, well I got news for you 
I'm sick and tired of this whole mess
The whole neigbourhood's out there laughing at me
They're all having a grand time 
At good old old Noah there
I went out there at my best friend Larry
I've been talking to the Lord, Larry
Larry said
Oh, really
Yeah yeah
Lord, Larry, Larry, Lord
You walked off laughing
And I hear 'em all laughing at me
You know I'm the only guy in this neighbourhood with an Ark?
People around here laughing
Picket signs walking up and down
I'm sick and tired of this stuff here
People walking around here
How you doing Tarzan?
How's everything up there?.
Sick and tired of this mess here
You supposed to know all and see all
You let me go out there 
And bring in a pregnant elephant
You give me no manual for delivery or nuthin'
Never told me the thing was pregnant
There's good old Naoh waitin' underneath the elephant there
Brrrrroooooooooom
Right on top 
Sick and tired of this mess here
Had enough all this stuff
For you runnin' around
You supposed to know all and see all 
Like I said before
You let me go out there and do all this stuff here
You never even looked in the bottom of that Ark
Have you looked down there?
No?
Who's gonna clean up that mess down there?
That's me
I tell you I've had enough of this stuff
I tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm letting all these animals out
And I'm gonna burn down this Ark 
And I'm going to Florida somewhere
'Cause you haven't done nothin'
I'm sick and tired of all this mess
You foolin' around
And you haven't done nothing!

And you got it rainin'
It's not a shower is it?
Ok Lord me and you right
'Cause I knew it all the time

LORD BUCKLEY : Jonah and the Whale

Jonah

"If you get to it, and you can't do it....?
There you jolly well are, aren't you!"

My lords and ladies of the royal court.
The religious fantasy of Jonah and the Whale. 
Now the Great Lord was sittin' in his rosy rockin' chair one halleluia morning
and he looked down and observed by a great body of water,
a little mortal about five foot two.
And the Lord dug the mortal and he called for Gabriel.



And Gabe put down his horn and swung with the book.
And the Lord flipped the pages.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J... And it was Jonah gettin' his kicks on the beach.
"Sho' is crazy out here on this here beach!
Man's got a lot of room to groove in the sunshine,
and everything is melody and fine!"
Now, when the Great Lord has something he must have done upon the earth,
he calls upon his favorite children to do it.
So the Great Lord put the sound on Jonah.
He says, "I dig you, Jonah! I dig you, Jonah!
I dig you, Jonah, cause Jonah is the Lord's sweet boy!"




And Jonah says, "Man where is all that jazz music comin' from, anyway?
Sounds like seventy-two jazz bands is jumpin' off here,
man, makes me want to dig it and wiggle. Whoooo ooo!,"
Says, "I know them seagulls ain't wailin' up no breeze like that,"
Says, "The Whooperwills and the canaries gonna carry on,"
say, "I got the craziest feelin' all over my body!"
"OOOOOooooohhhh! Feel like I want to stretch my wings and
OOOOOOOooooooooeeeeeee! Good mornin', Lord!"
And the Lord said, "Good mornin', Jonah." Said, "Jonah, I got a little favor I'd like..."
Jonah say, "Ain't that crazy, out of the six million cats
for the Lord to put his finger on,
and to say he like Jonah. Ain't that groovy!"
And the Great Lord said, "Jonah, I'd like you to cross the Red Sea
and put the message on the Israelites. They're squarin' up over there!"
And Jonah said, "Man, you don't mean this here big pool do you, Lord?"
( Wwhhhooom - Boom! )
"Man, look at them whales!"
( Wshhhooom - Boom! )
He said, "You must mean some little Jonah-sized pool, don't ya, Lord?"
And The Great Lord said, "Jonah, put your nose into the wind
and the message will come to you."
And Jonah put his great nose into the North Wind.
Wwwhhhiissshhhh!
It was not there.
He put in in the East Wind.
Wwwhhhiissshhh!
It was not there.
He put it into The West Wind.
Wwwhhhiissshhh!
It was not there.
But, when he put it into the halleluyah South Wind.
Whhewww!
It was there!
So he travelled for twenty-two days and fifteen minutes
and came to a great cathedral-like group of trees,
liftin' their glorious arms up to heaven in supplication of the master.
And down at the bottom of these giant sequoias
Jonah saw growing a strange green vine.
And he said, just like Brigham Young,
(foot stomp) "This is it!!"
And he sat down beside it and he observed of it.
And he admired of it.
And he plucked from it.
And he rolled of it.
And he selected of it.
And he swung of it.
And he said, "Where is that full pool The Lord wanted me to dig?
Look out, here come Jonah and he ready as the day is long!"
NNNNNnnnnn - BOOM!
He cut a gigantic V right through the breast of the waves.
And suddenly fatigue hit Jonah in the back of his soul



and he lay his great body back in the water.
And he lulling in the waves and Morpheus was goofin' on his eyebrows.
And sleep came to Jonah.



And he slept for twelve hours and fifteen seconds.
When he woke, what did he see?
I'll tell you what he saw: He saw The Whale!
And what did he say when he saw The Whale?
He said, "Get me from this scene immediately!"
And The Whale say, "Ha, ha, man, every time I stick my nose up out of this pool
I sure see some crazy jazz! Hee, hee, this is the bendin' end!"



Say, "What you mean, the bendin' end, Mr. Whale?"
He say, "Look at that, he talk, too! What do you know about that?"
Say, "Course I talk, Mr. Whale!" Say, "Don't you dig the Marine News?
Ain't you hip to what's goin' down right on these here waters?"
Say, "Wait a minute here, take it easy now."
He say, "Ain't no takin' it easy, Mr. Whale."
He say, "It's a big pool. You groove your way, I'll groove mine.
I'll swoop the scene and dig you later!"



Say, "Lookit here. Here's a little bit of nothin' to me and miles from noplace.
You gonna hip me, The King of the Dip, what the lick is?"
He says, "I got a good mind to gobble you up!"
Jonah said, "Don't you do that, Mr. Whale.
Cause if you do I'm gonna knock you in your most delicate gear!"
The Whale say, "That do it!" Brrruudummm! And he swallowed Jonah.



And here was Jonah slippin' and slidin'
from one side of this great sea mammel to another.
Fear and terror inside.
He couldn't go outthe front end and he was afraid to go out the back end.
And all of a sudden he fell down on these great big blubbery rugs
and a piteous sound came from Jonah.
He said, "Lord! Lord! Can you dig me in this here fish?"
And The Lord said, "I got you covered, Jonah."
And Jonah say (laughing), say, "Lord's sure got a crazy sense of humor!
Maybe that's thereason I dig the cat so much! Tells me he got me covered.
He's got me surrounded!"
And The Great Lord said, "Jonah! Reach in your water-tight pocketbook
and take from there some of the cigarettes you got from the great tree.
And courage will return to you!"
And Jonah did.
And we see Johan inside this giant whale.
Smokin' this strange cigarette.
Watchin' the pistons pound, drivin' that POOM,
pushin' on the gret valve, 'spandin' an' expandin'.
And finally the Whale say, "Uuuuhhhh, Jonah?"
And Jonah say, "Ppfffffffttt. What is it, Fish?"
And The Whale say, " 'What is it, Fish?'?!?"
Say, "You got a new captain on this here mass mess now, Mr. Fish."
He say, "I'm not outside no more. I'm INSIDE now!"
The Whale say, "Jonah, what in the world is you smokin' in there?
I thought I was off the flippity islands.
Here I is two minutes fom the Panama Canal!
This jazz got to go."
Jonah say, "What do you care what I'm smokin' in here?
I'm the captain of this mass mess I done 'splained to you before."
He say, "Jonah, what are you doin'stompin' all over the engine room like that for, boy? Why don't you sit down someplace and cool yourself? You gettin' the ride for nothin'."
Jonah say, "I'll stomp all over this here engine room as long as I want, say, what is this wheel?"
Say, "Look out there, boy, you messin' with my wheel there, Jonah, look out, man! Don't be messin' with that equipment like that here."
Jonah say, "What is this here lever here?"
He say, "Look out, Jonah! Jonah, Jonah, boy.
Boy, look out what you doin', you got my full speed ahead lever.
Jonah, lok out for the rock on theright. Look off on the right, Jonah."
"Cooool!" he say.



"It ain't cool at all! We in the shallow water!"
Jonah say, "That's all I want to know."
And, phallam!, he hit the whale's big sneezin' meter and,
fffsheeww!,
blew him out on the cool groovy sands of serenity.


Which only goes to prove, as Confushi said,
"If you get to it, and you can't do it....?
There you jolly well are, aren't you!"

JONAH ROLLS A JOINT

So he travelled for twenty-two days and fifteen minutes
and came to a great cathedral-like group of trees,
liftin' their glorious arms up to heaven in supplication of the master.
And down at the bottom of these giant sequoias
Jonah saw growing a strange green vine.
And he said, just like Brigham Young,
(foot stomp) "This is it!!"
And he sat down beside it and he observed of it.
And he admired of it.
And he plucked from it.
And he rolled of it.
And he selected of it.
And he swung of it.
And he said, "Where is that full pool The Lord wanted me to dig?
Look out, here come Jonah and he ready as the day is long!"
NNNNNnnnnn - BOOM!
He cut a gigantic V right through the breast of the waves.
And suddenly fatigue hit Jonah in the back of his soul



and he lay his great body back in the water.
And he lulling in the waves and Morpheus was goofin' on his eyebrows.
And sleep came to Jonah.

Pet Ant

When I was little boy, I wanted a dog desperately, and we had no money. I was a tiny kid, and my parents couldn't get me a dog, 'cause we just didn't have the money, so they got me, instead of a dog - they told me it was a dog - they got me an ant. And I didn't know any better, y'know, I thought it was a dog, I was a dumb kid. Called it 'Spot'. I trained it, y'know. Coming home late one night, Sheldon Finklestein tried to bully me. Spot was with me. And I said "Kill!", and Sheldon stepped on my dog.

Chris Rock's America

There's no more America! Remember when you were a kid, there'd by an America? You'd go see your Grandma, and go to her little town? There's no more little towns - it's all malls! And they're all the same! The mall in St. Louis is the same mall in Detroit.. it's got the same Gap, Banana Republic, Chess King, Sunglasses Hut, all the same crap! And every town's got two malls! They've got the white mall, and the mall white people used to go to. 'Cause they're ain't nothing in the black mall! Nothing but sneakers and baby clothes!

Bullet In My Breast Pocket

Bullet In My Breast Pocket

Years ago, my mother gave me a bullet...a bullet, and I put it in my breast pocket. Two years after that, I was walking down the street, when a berserk evangelist heaved a Gideon bible out a hotel room window, hitting me in the chest. Bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet.

The Lost Generation

I mentioned before that I was in Europe. It's not the first time that I was in Europe, I was in Europe many years ago with Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway had just written his first novel, and Gertrude Stein and I read it, and we said that is was a good novel, but not a great one, and that it needed some work, but it could be a fine book. And we laughed over it. Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

That winter Picasso lived on the Rue d'Barque, and he had just painted a picture of a naked dental hygenist in the middle of the Gobi Desert. Gertrude Stein said it was a good picture, but not a great one, and I said it could be a fine picture. We laughed over it and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

Francis Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald came home from their wild new years eve party. It was April. Scott had just written Great Expectations, and Gertrude Stein and I read it, and we said it was a good book, but there was no need to have written it, 'cause Charles Dickens had already written it. We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

That winter we went to Spain to see Manolete fight, and he was... looked to be eighteen, and Gertrude Stein said no, he was nineteen, but that he only looked eighteen, and I said sometimes a boy of eighteen will look nineteen, whereas other times a nineteen year old can easily look eighteen. That's the way it is with a true Spaniard. We laughed over that and Gertrude Stein punched me in the mouth.

WOODY ALLEN 1964

Woody Allen - Standup Comic

Side Track
1 Private Life
Brooklyn
The Army
Pets
My Grandfather
My Marriage
Bullet In My Breast Pocket
2 N.Y.U
A Love Story
The Police
Down South
Summing Up
3 The Vodka Add
Vegas
Second Marriage
The Great Renaldo
Mechanical Objects
4 The Moose
Kidnapped
Unhappy Childhood
The Science Fiction Film
Eggs Benedict
Oral Contraception
European Trip
The Lost Generation

Private Life

This is my third night here, I haven't been here in about eight months now, was the last time I was here, and since I was here last, a lot of significant things have occured in my private life, that I thought we could go over tonight and evaluate.
I moved, let me start right at the very beginning, I formerly lived in Manhattan, uptown east in a brownstone building, but I was constantly getting mugged and assaulted and...sadistically beaten about the face and neck. So I moved into a doormanned apartment house on Park Avenue, that's rich and secure and expensive and great, and I lived there for two weeks, and my doorman attacked me.

I don't know what else has happened...Oh I know, I became a corporation since I was here the last time. Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction, y'know. The government said it was entertainment, y'know, we compromised finally and made it a religious contribution. I formed a corporation this year, and I'm the president, my mother is vice president, my father is secretary and my grandmother is treasurer, my uncle is on the board of directors, and they got together the first week, and they tried to squeeze me out. I formed a power block with my uncle and we sent my grandmother to jail.

I went to NYU myself, I was a philo-major there, too. I took all the abstract philosophy courses in college, like truth and beauty, advanced truth and beauty, intermediate truth, introduction to God, Death 101. I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year, I cheated on my metaphysics final in college, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. They threw me out, and my mother, who is a really sensitive woman, when I got thrown out of college, she locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mahjong tiles.

I was in analysis, you should know that about me, I was in group analysis when I was younger, 'cause I couldn't afford private...I was captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.

Also, I have a cousin, that my parents loved more than me, that really destroyed me. Ah, I have a boy cousin that went through four years of college and became a mutual fund salesman, and he married a very thin girl from the neighbourhood, who had her nose lifted by a golf pro, y'know...(bok) Hit it and just...hooked up over her head, and they moved to the suburbs and they have all kinds of status symbols, they have their own home and stationwagon and fire insurance and life insurance and mutual funds and his wife has orgasmic insurance or something. If her husband fails to satisfy her sexually, Mutual of Omaha has to pay her every month.

I don't know what else to tell you about myself, I was a writer and an actor, I was a television writer and, ah, I wasn't an actor, I was in acting class. We did a play in acting class by Paddy Chayefsky called "Gideon", and I played the part of God, in "Gideon". It was typecasting. It was method acting, so two weeks beforehand, I started to live the part offstage, y'know. I really came on God, there, I was really fabulous, I put on a blue suit, I took taxi cabs all over New York. I tipped big, 'cause he would have. I got into a fight with a guy, and I forgave him. It's true. Some guy hit my fender and I said unto him...I said, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.

Brooklyn

Ahm, and listen, I've been up here for a while and I don't know how many out there noticed, but I do not have what you call a 'stock theatrical sun tan', I'm redheaded, and fairskinned and when I go to the beach, I don't tan, I stroke. I never used to go to the beach, 'cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumours during the war, that enemy submarines, German subs came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution.
And the only time I bathed was with Mrs. Allen, I guess, my wife, the dread Mrs. Allen. Honeymooning, I was fabulous, you would have adored me. I was on waterskis, stripped to the waist, skiing fast across the top of the surf, my hair back, I oiled my muscle. It was really... holding on with one hand, waterskiing, very great, my wife was in the boat ahead of me, rowing frantically. I got a very bad burn, really, I was thinking, when I was a kid, I was ashamed of having red hair, 'cause I lived in a tough section, I lived in a sub-basement walk-down, ah, under street level, janitor-style, ah, the janitor, that had the apartment during the depression, had some stocks, the market crashed, and he was wiped out, he tried to kill himself by jumping out the window and UP unto street level.

I was the sensitive kid, poet. There were tough kids in my class, there was a kid in my class named Floyd. Floyd used to sit in the dumb row in school, y'know. Vegetable mentality, y'know. I made friends with him years later when we got older, I removed a thorn from his paw. Once, I was on my way for my violin lesson when I was a kid, and I'm walking past the pool room, and Floyd and all of his friends are out, y'know, they're swiping hubcaps, in Brooklyn, from moving cars, which is really...amazing. And I walk past him, and he yells out to me, "Hey, Red!". I was a cocky kid. Put down my violin. I go up to him. I said "My name is not Red. If you want me, call me by my regular name, It's Master Heywood Allen". I spent that winter in a wheelchair. A team of doctors laboured to remove a violin. Lucky it wasn't a cello.

The Army

I'm not a fighter. I, ah, I have bad reflexes, and I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys. And I was not in the army, in case you were wondering. I was in the canine corps. Strange story, when I was young, I wanted a dog, and we had no money, we were very... my father at that time was a caddie at a miniature golf course in Brooklyn, y'know. I couldn't get a dog, 'cause it was too much, and they finally opened up in my neighbourhood, in Flatbush, a damaged pet shop. They sold damaged pets at discount, y'know, you could get a bent pussycat if you wanted, a straight camel, y'know. I got a dog that stuttered. When the cats would give him a hard time, he would go "B-b-b-b-bow wow", y'know. He'd turn all red, y'know. We wanted to send him into the army, but the papers got crossed up, and they got me instead of him. I was in the canine corps for two weeks. Me and eleven dogs was the outfit. Taught me how to heel. Sergent was a little mexican hairless, y'know. I was not in the regular army. I was classified '4P' by the draftboard, we went to war, I'm a hostage.
Pets

When I was little boy, I wanted a dog desperately, and we had no money. I was a tiny kid, and my parents couldn't get me a dog, 'cause we just didn't have the money, so they got me, instead of a dog - they told me it was a dog - they got me an ant. And I didn't know any better, y'know, I thought it was a dog, I was a dumb kid. Called it 'Spot'. I trained it, y'know. Coming home late one night, Sheldon Finklestein tried to bully me. Spot was with me. And I said "Kill!", and Sheldon stepped on my dog.
My Grandfather

Wanted to flash this watch, I flash it all the time. It's my antique pocket watch, and it makes me look British, and I need that for my analysis. It is a georgeous gold pocket watch, however, and I'm proud of it. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. My grandfather was a very insignificant man. At his funeral, his hearse followed the other cars. It was a nice funeral, you would have liked it, it was a catered funeral. It was held in a big hall with accordion players, and the buffet table was a replica of the deceased in potato salad.
My Marriage

I wanted to discuss my marriage, 'cause that's important. My marriage, or as it was known, "The Oxbow Incident". I had a rough marriage. Well, my wife was an immature woman and, ah, That's all I can say, she...See if this is not immature to you: I would be home in the bathrroom, taking a bath, and my wife would walk right in, whenever she felt like, and sink my boats. It was partially my fault that we got divorced, I had a lousy attitude toward her. The first year of marriage I had a bad att...basically a bad attitude toward her, I guess. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal all the time.
We used to argue and fight, we finally decided, we either take a vacation on Bermuda or get a divorce, one of the two things, and we discussed it very maturely, and we decided on the divorce, 'cause we felt we had a limited amount of money to spend, y'know. A vacation in Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something that you'd always have. And I saw myself free again, living in the Village, y'know, in a batchelor apartment with a wood burning fireplace and a shaggy rug, y'know, and on the walls one of those great Picassos by Van Gogh, and just great swinging...Airline hostesses running amok in the apartment, y'know. And I got very excited, and I ran into my wife, she was in the next room at the time, listening to Conelrad on the radio, y'know. I laid it right on the line with her, I came right to the point, I said "Quasimodo, I want a divorce".

And she said "Great, get the divorce", but it turns out, in New York state, they have a strange law that says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery, and it's weird, because the ten commandments say "Thou shalt not commit adultery", but New York state says you have to. Well, finally, what happened was, my wife comitted adultery for me. She's always been more mechanically inclined than I have.

Bullet In My Breast Pocket

Years ago, my mother gave me a bullet...a bullet, and I put it in my breast pocket. Two years after that, I was walking down the street, when a berserk evangelist heaved a Gideon bible out a hotel room window, hitting me in the chest. Bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet.
N.Y.U.

I used to go to New York University a long time ago, which is in Greenwich Village, that's where I started, and I was, ah, in love in my freshman year, but I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic, y'know. We didn't know which religion not to bring the children up in. And I bummed around for a long time, and I met my wife, and we got married against my parents' wishes, we were married in Long Island, in New York, we were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island, a very reformed rabbi, a nazi.
It was a very nice affair, y'know, really good, and right after the wedding, my wife started turning weird. She went to Hunter College, and she got into the philosophy department at Hunter, and she started dressing with black clothes and no make-up, and leotards, y'know, and she pierced her ears one day with a conducters punch, y'know. And she used to involve me in deep philosophical arguments, and then prove I didn't exist, y'know...infuriating. And I had to let her go, was what happened, and I had to tell my parents about it. And my parents are what you used to call 'old world'. My parents come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the old world. They're very stable down-to-earth people, who, ah, don't approve of divorce. Their, their...their values in life are God and carpeting.

I came home on a sunday, this was a long time ago, my father's watching television sunday night, he's watching Ed Sullivan Show, on television, he's watching the Indiana Home for the Criminally Insane Glee Club on the Ed Sullivan Show. And my mother is in the corner, knitting a chicken, y'know. And I'd said that I would have to get a divorce, my mother put down her knitting, and she got up, and she went over to the furnace, and she opened the door, and she got in. Took it rather badly, I felt.

A Love Story

Gonna tell a love story now, 'cause you have background material on me. Ah, this occurred before I was married, a long time ago, out in Manhattan, I was in Manhattan. I was at City Center, this was ages ago, I was watching a ballet at City Center, and I'm not a ballet fan at all, but they were doing the dying swan, and there was a rumour, that some bookmakers had drifted into town from upstate New York, and that they had fixed the ballet. Apparently there was a lot of money bet on the swan to live. And I look at the box, and I see a girl, and my weak spot is women, ah, so I always think someday they're gonna make me a birthday party, and wheel out a tremendous birthday cake, and a giant, naked woman is gonna leap out of the cake and hurt me and leap back in the cake.
So I pick up this girl, I was very glib, and she was a brilliant girl, she was a Bennington girl, studying at Bennington to be a woman male nurse at a four-year program, working on a term paper on the increasing incidents of heterosexuality amongst homosexuals. The girl was a swinger, however, I must....The girl was brought up in Darien, Conneticut, and when she was younger, she had a little brother about six years old, eight years...his parents sent the kid to military school. And while he was there, he stole jam or something, and they caught him, and they wanted to do things right, 'cause it was military school, so they held a court martial there. They found the kid guilty. They shot him. They returned to his parents half the tuition.

Meanwhile, I was running amok with his sister, his sister was fabulous, she was a great, great, blonde, and she had tatooed on the inner surface of her thigh, the words 'Bird lives', which, unfortunately, I was never privileged to see in the relationship, but had it been printed in Braille, I would have had a great thing going with her. We used to go up to her apartment late at night, and all her beatnik friends would be sitting crosslegged on each other there, and they would be trying to make opium out of the poppies given out by veterans on street corners. She used to plug in her twelve and a half dollar hi-fi set, y'know, with the teakwood needle, and put on the record albums on of Marcel Marceau, y'know, just....

She crushed me, I...Every time I tell the story, I'm reminded...I was what you would call, not a intellectual, up to her...she was...I was thrown out of college, and when I was thrown out of college I got a job on Madison Avenue in New york, a real dyed-in-the-wool advertising agency on Madison Avenue, wanted a man to come in, and they pay him ninetyfive dollars a week, and to sit in their office, and to look jewish. They wanted to prove to the outside world, that they would hire minority groups, y'know. So I was the one they hired, y'know. I was the show jew at the agency. I tried to look jewish desperately, y'know. I used to read my memos from right to left all the time. They fired me finally, 'cause I took off too many jewish holidays.

The Police

I have never in my life had difficulty with the cops. I had difficulty with the cops, that's not...no actually I didn't have difficulty with the cops. I was once sitting home in my house, and a lot of cars pulled up around the house. They shined in searchlights, and I heard a voice over the loudspeaker say "We have your house surrounded. This is the New York public library" They wanted their books back, y'know, and the little librarian was lobbing grenades over the house. I came out with my hands up, y'know, kicking the book ahead of me. They took me down to the main branch on Fifth Avenue in New York, and they took away my glasses for a year.
And I was thinking, when I lived in my apartment in the brownstone building in New York, we were constantly getting robbed all the time. It was a very big feature of the neighbourhood, y'know. Guys would break in and steal, and my apartment was robbed about four times in two years, y'know, it really got to be a bad thing, and I didn't know what to do about it, so finally I put on my door, a little blue and white sticker that said "We gave". Figure that would end it brilliantly, but it didn't, 'cause a man in my building, Mr. Russo was held up late at night, two very big guys got him with a bottle and a stick in the lobby, y'know, and they wanted all his cash, and Russo like a jerk tried to sign for it for tax purposes, whatever it is, y'know. They hit him with tremendous shot across the frontal lobe, y'know, real smack in the head, and he fell to the lobby in a fetal position, y'know. He lay there until his lease ran out, y'know. He's never been the same since the smack in the head, y'know. He smiles a lot now. He laughs out of context occasionally. He's not as perceptive as the average tree stump, y'know.

Everybody in the building panicked, they said that I'm small and that I should go and build myself up, in case I get into trouble, I could defend myself, so I went to Vic Tannings, this was a long time ago, I went for three weeks, and I lifted and I bent and I squatted. Nothing happend to me at all, y'know, nothing grew or anything, and I figure it's ridiculous, why don't I forget about it and give Vic Tanning the cash., and I ask him if he'll walk me home nights.

However, there is a kid in my building, a little odd kid named Leon, and Leon takes karate lessons. Leon is always walking with his hand cocked at a right angle, like this, y'know, and everyone said that I should learn Judo, 'cause I'd be an animal, but Judo to me has always been a thing of the bigger your opponent is, the bigger the beating he is gonna give you, y'know. And then my good friends told me, in the back of Esquire magazine, you can send away for a fountain pen that shoots teargas. It's a real fountain pen, and it secretes a gaseous billow, y'know, really great pen, seven and a half dollars. I send away. It comes in the mail, two weeks later in a plain brown wrapper, y'know. I unscrew it, I put in the teargas cartridges (pop), I clip it in my breast pocket, y'know (click), I go out, a long time ago this was, some friends of mine had a surprise autopsy, and I'm invited for the evening, y'know.

I'm coming home by myself, two o'clock in the morning, and it's pitch black and I'm all alone, and standing in my lobby is...a neanderthal man, with the eyebrow ridges, y'know, and the hairy knuckles like this, y'know. He had just learned to walk erect that morning, I think. Came right to my house in search of the secret of fire, y'know. A tree-swinger in the lobby at two o'clock in the morning. A mouth breather looking at me, like (breathes heavily), y'know. I took my watch out and I dangled it in front of him, y'know, 'cause they're mullified by shiny objects sometimes. He ate it. I tried to impress him and I backed off and I pulled out my teargas pen, and I pressed the trigger, and some ink trickled down my shirt. I made a mental note to call Esquire and tell them 'cause, I'm standing in the lobby, two o'clock in the morning, y'know, with a product of a broken home, y'know. I had a fountain pen in my hand, I tried writing on him with it, y'know. He came for me, and he started to tapdance on my windpipe, so very quickly, I lapsed into the old Navajo Indian trick of screaming and begging.

I get into an amazing amount of, ah, physical encounters for someone my size. About thirteen weeks ago, I had my shoes shined against my will. Tremendous shoeshine boy, said to me "I'm shining your shoes". "Yes you are" I said. He did give me an execellent shine though, I might add, but they were suede shoes.

Down South

I was down south once, and I was invited to a costume party, and I rarely go to them, I went to one when I was younger. I went in my underwear shorts, and I have varicose veins. I went as a roadmap. And I figure, what the hell, it's Halloween, I'll go as a ghost. I take a sheet off the bed and I throw it over my head, and I go to the party. And you have to get the picture, I'm walking down the street in a deep southern town, I have a white sheet over my head. And a car pulls up and three guys with white sheets say "Get in". So I figure there's guys going to the party, as ghosts, and I get into the car, and I see were not going to the party, and I tell them. They say "Well, we have to go pick up the Grand Dragon". All of a sudden it hits me, down south, white sheets, the Grand Dragon, I put two and two together. I figure there's a guy going to the party dressed as a dragon.
All of a sudden a big guy enters the car, and I'm sitting there between four clansmen, four big-armed men, and the door's locked, and I'm petrified, I'm trying to pass desperately, y'know, I'm saying "Y'all" and "Grits", y'know, I must have said "grits" fifty times, y'know. They ask me a question, and I say "Oh, grits, grits". And next to me is the leader of the cla... you can tell he is the leader, 'cause he's the one wearing contour sheets, y'know. And they drive me to an empty field, and I gave myself away, 'cause they asked for donations, and everybody there gave cash. When it came to me, I said "I pledge fifty dollars". They knew immediately. They took my hood off and threw a rope around my neck, and they decided to hang me.

And suddenly my whole life passed before my eyes. I saw myself as a kid again, in Kansas, going to school, swimming at the swimming hole, and fishing, frying up a mess-o-catfish, going down to the general store, getting a piece of gingham for Emmy-Lou. And I realise it's not my life. They're gonna hang me in two minutes, the wrong life is passing before my eyes. And I spoke to them, and I was really eloquent, I said "Fellas, this country can't survive, unless we love one another regardless of race, creed or colour". And they were so moved by my words, not only did they cut me down and let me go, but that night, I sold them two thousand dollars worth of Israel Bonds.

Summing Up

In summing up, I wish I had some kind of affirmative message to leave you with, I don't. Would you take two negative messages? My mother used to say to me when I was younger, "If a strange man comes up to you, and offers you candy, and wants you to get into the back of his car with him...go".
Good night.

The Vodka Ad

Let me start at the very beginning. I did a vodka ad, that's the first important thing. A big vodka company wanted to do a prestige ad, and they wanted to get Noël Coward originally for it. He was not available, he had aquired the rights to My Fair Lady, and he was removing the music and lyrics, make it back into Pygmalion. They tried to get Laurence Olivier, and Howdy [Mokey?] - they finally got me to do it. I'll tell you how they got my name, it was on a list in Eichmann's pocket, when they picked him up. And I'm sitting home, and I'm watching television. I'm wathcing a special version of Peter Pan on television, starring Kate Smith, and they are having trouble flying her, 'cause the chains keep breaking all the time, y'know. And the phone rings and a voice on the other end says "How would you like to be this years vodka man?", and I say "No. I'm an artist, I do not do commercials. I don't pander. I don't drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product." He said "Too bad. It pays fifty thousand dollars." and I said "Hold on. I'll put Mr. Allen on the phone."
And I was caught here in an ethical crisis. Should I advertise a product that I don't actually use? It's a problem 'cause I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis new years eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba. In the past whenever I had any sort of...eh...emotional problem, I used to consult with my analyst all the time. This is public knowledge, I was in analysis for years, 'cause of a traumatic childhood I had. Remember I was breastfed from falsies. It scarred me emotionally, y'know. I was in a strict freudian analysis for a long time. My analyst died two years ago, and I never realized it, and now, whenever I have any sort of problem, I consult with my spiritual counselor, who in my case is my rabbi. I called him on the phone and laid the proposition on him, and he said "Don't do it, 'cause it's illegal and immoral to advertise a product that you don't use, just for the money." And I said "Okay", and I passed the ad up and I must say, that it took great courage at the time, 'cause I needed the money, I was writing and I needed to be free, creative. I was working on a non-fiction version of the Warren report.

I'd just passed the ad up and a month later I'm leafing through a Life magazine, and I see a photograph of Monique van Vooren in a slim bikini bathing suit, and she is on the beach in Jamaica, and there, next to her, with a cool vodka in his hand, is my rabbi. So I call him up on the phone, y'know, and he puts me on hold. What happened is, that he wanted to go into showbusiness - he had done a late night prayer on television. He was in the middle of the twentythird song and he tried to ad-lib, y'know, tried to name the ten commandments, couldn't think of them quickly and instead he named the Seven Dwarfs. He's got a discoteque now in his college, with topless rabbis, y'know, no scullcap on.

Vegas

I addition to my vodka ad, I also played Las Vegas for the first time. Y'see I'm not a gambler, you should know that about me. I went to the racetrack once in my life and I bet on a horse called Battle Gun, and when all the horses come out, mine is the only horse in the race with training wheels. You have to believe me when I say, that there is something seductive about me, when I shoot crap. And I'm at the crap table, I'm...dicing. A very provocative woman comes up to me, and she begins to...size me up...and I take her upstairs to my hotel room. Shut the door. Remove my glasses. Show her no mercy. I unbutton my shirt, and she unbuttons her shirt. And I smile. She smiles. I remove my shirt and she removes her shirt. And I wink and she winks. And I remove my pants. She removes her pants. And I realize I'm looking into a mirror.
Second Marriage

Which I think brings me to my main...conclusion here, that is that I got married, that's the biggest thing that's happened to me over the last... I got married for the second time, incidentally. I should have known something was wrong with my first wife, when I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her, y'know, - my dog died, that's what happened. I got to be careful what I say about her publicly now, 'cause she's sueing me. I don't know if you read that in the paper or not, but I'm getting sued because I made a nasty remark about her..she. She didn't like it, she lives on the upper west side of Manhattan, and she was coming home late at night, and she was violated. That's how the put it in the New York papers: "She was violated", and they asked me to comment on it, and I said "Knowing my ex-wife, it probably was not a moving violation."
Let me tell you how I met my second wife, which is really...romantic. I read an article in Life magazine saying there was a sexual revolution going on on college campuses all over the country, and I reregistrated at New York University to check it out, 'cause I used to go there years ago, I was a history of hygiene major at NYU, and I was thrown out of college, and when I was thrown out I got a job. My father had a grocery store in Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn, and he hired me to work for him. I was a delivery boy for my father, that was my first job, and I unionized the workers and we struck and drove him out of business. He's always been touchy about it.

Now, when I went back to school, suddenly everybody wanted to fix me up with women. And I have had a very bad history with blind dates. You must not misunderstand me - believe it, sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it's fantastic. I was very depressed about that for a long time. I was gonna kill myself, but as I said, I was in a strict freudian analysis, and if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss. So I accept this date. First blind date in years, I go to a fourth floor walk-up, and then knock on the door, and this girl comes to the door, and she is absolutely beautiful, but really terrific, great long blond hair, and a short skirt and boots and a sleeveless jersey, and she is packed into it. When I see her look that beautiful, I wanna...cry, write a poem, jump on her. I'm very sensitive, y'know. She asked me what I wanted to do, and I'm not a swinger. My idea of a big evening is go down to the corner roticimat and watch the chickens revolve, y'see.

I take her to a party on McDougle Street in Greenwich Village. We go into a smokedfilled room, and I do not use - you should know this about me, too - any sort of consciousness expanding material. My body will not tolerate that. Y'know I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty. The party begins to move downstairs now, unto the street, and everybody is playing bongoes and guitars, and a cop on horseback comes up to me, and he puts his arm around me. He says to me "Are you one of those draftcard burners?" And I say "No, I'm not. I never registered, I don't have a draftcard." Now a little girl feeds, what look like a cube of sugar, to the policemans horse. The horse showed up at a sit-in in Georgia. Now I decide to strike. I get my date, and I jam her into my Hertz. I have a rented car, which is a flat rate 12 cents a mile, in an effort to cut down on the mileage charge, I back up every place. So I'm backing over the George Washington Bridge.

That was two o'clock in the morning, and I get my date back to her apartment, and the two of us are alone, and we're going pretty good. I have to explain this very delicately, 'cause it's really tentative. As I... as I am an inordinately...passionate...man. Volatile. Sensual. In general a stud. When making love...when making love...in an effort...to prolong...the moment of ecstacy...I think of baseball players. All right, now you know. The two of us are making love violently, she's digging it, I figure I better start thinking of ballplayers quickly. So I figure it's one out, the ninth, the Giants are up. Mays lines a single to right, he takes second on a wild pitch. Now she is digging her nails into my neck. I decided to pinch-hit for McCovey. Alou pops out. Haller singles, Mays holds third. Now I got a first-and-third situation. Two out, the Giants are behind one run. I don't know whether to squeeze or steal. She's been in the shower for ten minutes, already. This is too...I can't tell you anymore, this is too personal. The Giants won.

And I married the girl, incidently, and had a very good wedding, except for my father, who squatted down and did one of those russian dances, see, and tore a leg muscle and froze in that position. Walked down the aisle like that, y'know.

The Great Renaldo

Listen to this. I was watching one night the Ed Sullivan Show, and Sullivan had on a hypnotist called The Great Renaldo. And Renaldo got four guys up of the audience, and he hypnotized them, and he said to them "You think you are a fireengine". And I'm home watching and I get drowsy and I fall asleep. And I wake up an hour later, I turn the set off, and suddenly I am seized with an uncontrolable impulse to dress up in my red flanel underwear. Which I do, and I'm looking at myself in the mirror. Suddenly the phone rings, I burst out the front door and start running down Fifth Avenue fast, making a sirene noise. At Fourteenth Street I hid a guy at an intersection, who was also wearing red flanel underwear. We decided to work as one truck. We start running down to the Village. Suddenly two guys in red flanel underwear pass us running uptown. We figured, they must know where the fire is. We turned and followed. At Eightysixth Street a cop flaggs us down, 'cause there is four guys in red flanel underwear running in the street. He said "You'er coming down to headquarters, get into the car." I start giggling hysterically, 'cause this jerk is trying to get a fireengine into a lousy little chevvy. And down at the station there is hundreds of guys in red flanel underwear.
Mechanical Objects

These... I should just add, parenthetically, these stories are true. These things actually happened to me. I don't make them up. My life is a series of...of...eh...these crises that...that eh... I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom, and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know. It was a yellow and green striped jacket, y'know. The little fat moth laying there, groaning, y'know, part of a sleeve hanging out of his mouth. I gave him two plain brown socks. I said "Eat one now and eat one in a half hour."
Someone asked me if I would tell this...story. A long time ago... It's a wierd story. 'Twas out in Los Angeles and I was at a party with a very big Hollywood producer, and at that time he wanted to make an elaborate cinemascope musical comedy out of the Dewey Decimal System. And they wanted me to work on it, and I go out to the producers building in downtown Los Angeles,and I walk into his elevator, and there are no people in the elevator, no buttons on the wall or anything. And I hear a voice say "Kindly call out your floors, please." And I look around, and I'm alone. And I panic, and I read on the wall, that is a new elevator and it works on a sonic principle and it all sound. All I have to do is say what floor I wanna got to, and it takes me there. So I say "Three, please", and the doors close and the elevator starts going up to three. And on the way up I began to feel very selfconscious, 'cause I talk, I think, with a slight New York accent, and the elevator spoke quite well. I get out of it, and I'm walking down the hall, and I look back, and I thought I heard the elevator make a remark. I turned quickly and the doors closed and the elevator goes down, y'know, and I...didn't wanna get involved at the time with an...elevator in Hollywood, but - this is the strange part of the story, the other was the normal part - I have never in my life had good relationships with mechanical objects of any sort. Anything that I can't reason with or kiss or fondle, I get into trouble with. I have a clock that runs counter-clockwise for some reason. My toaster pops up my toast and shakes it, burns it. I hate my shower. I'm taking a shower, and somebody in America uses his water. That's it for me, y'know, I leap from the tub scolded. I have a tape recorder, I payed a hundred and fifty dollars for, and as I talk into it, it goes "I know, I know."

About three years ago I couldn't stand it anymore. I was home one night. I called a meeting with my posessions. I got everything I owned into the living room. My toaster, my clock, my blender. They never been in the living room before. And I spoke to them. I opened with a joke. And then I said "I know what's going on, and cut it out!" I have a sun lamp, but as I sit under it, it rains on me. And I spoke to each appliance, I was really articulate. Then I put them back, and I felt good. Two nights later I'm watching my portable television set, and the set begins to jump up and down, and I go up to it. And I always talk before I hit, and I said "I thought we had discussed this, what's the problem?" And the set kept going up and down, so I hit it, and it felt good hitting it, and I beat the hell out of it. I was really great, I tore off the antenna, and I felt very virile. And two days later I go to my dentist in New York. I had gone to my dentist, but I had a deep cavity, and he'd sent me to a chiropodist. I'm going into a building in mid-town New York, and they have those elevators, and I hear a voice say "Kindly call out your floors, please", and I say "sixteen" and the doors close and the elevator starts going up to sixteen. And on the way up the ellevator says to me "Are you the guy that hit the televison set?" I felt like an ass, y'know, and it took me up and down fast between floors, and it threw me off in the basement. It yelled out something that was anti-semetic.

The upshot of the story is, that day I called my parents, my father was fired. He was technologically unemployed. My father had worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget, this big, that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressiong thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.

The Moose

I shot a moose, once. I was hunting up-state New York, and I shot a moose, and I strap him on to the fender of my car, and I'm driving home along the west side highway, but what I didn't realize was, that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp, knocking him unconscious. And I'm driving through the Holland tunnel - the moose woke up. So I'm driving with a live moose on my fender. The moose is signaling for a turn, y'know. There's a law in New York state against driving with a conscious moose on your fender, tuesday, thursday and saturday. And I'm very panicky, and then it hits me: some friends of mine is having a costume party. I'll go, I'll take the moose, I'll ditch him at the party. It wouldn't be my responsibillity.
So I drive up to the party and I knock on the door. The moose is next to me. My host comes to the door. I say "Hello. You know the Solomons". We enter. The moose mingles. Did very well. Scored. Two guys were trying to sell him insurance for an hour and a half. Twelve o'clock comes - they give out prices for the best costume of the night. First price goes to the Burcowiches, a maried couple dressed as a moose. The moose comes in second. The moose is furious. He and the Burcowiches lock antlers in the living room. They knock each other unconscious. Now, I figured, is my chance. I grab the moose, strap him onto my fender, and shoot back to the roads, but - I got the Burcowiches. So I'm driving along with two jewish people on my fender, and there's a law in New York State ... tuesdays, thursdays and especially saturday.

The following morning the Burcowiches wake up in the woods, in a moose suit. Mr. Burcowich is shot, stuffed and mounted - at the New York Athletic Club, and the joke is on them, because it's restricted.

Kidnapped

I was kidnapped once. I was standing in front of my schoolyard, and a black sedan pulls up. And two guys get out, and they say to me, do I wanna go away with them to a land, where everybody is fairies and elves, and I can have all the comic books I want and chocolate and wax lips, you know. And I said "yes", y'know, and I got into the car with them, 'cause I figured, y'know, "What the hell", I was home that week-end from college anyhow, y'know. They drive me off, and they sent a ransom note to my parents. And my father has bad reading habits, so he gets into bed at night with the ransom note, and he read half of it, y'know, and he got drowsy and fell asleep, then he lent it out, y'know.
Meanwhile they take me to New Jersey, bound and gagged, and my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped. They snap into action immediately: they rent out my room. The ransom note says for my father to leave a thousand dollars in a hollow tree in New Jersey. He has no trouble raising the thousand dollars, but he gets a hernia carrying the hollow tree.

The FBI surround the house, "Throw the kid out,", they say, "give us your guns, and come out with your hands up."
The kidnappers say "We'll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns, and get to our car."
The FBI says "Throw the kid out, we'll let you get to your car, but give us your guns."
The kidnappers say "We'll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns - we don't have to get to our car."
The FBI says "Keep the kid."

The FBI decides to lob in teargas, but they don't have teargas, so several of the agents put on the death scene from Camellia. Tearstricken my abducters give themselves up. They are sentenced to fifteen years on a chaingang, and they escape, twelve of then chained together at the ankle, getting by the guards posing as an immense charm bracelet.

Unhappy Childhood

I was talking about this on TV last week. I escape always into a rich fantasy life, that comes from an unhappy childhood. I come from a poor family. My father worked at Coney Island. He had a consession on the boardwalk, where you knock over milk bottles with baseballs, which I could never do for my entire childhood. There was a tidal wave at Coney Island, when I was a child, ripped up the boardwalk and did about a million dollars worth of damage, houses and everything. The only thing left standing was those little milk bottles, y'know.

I was, I would say, overdiciplined which is really humiliating. I had to be home nine thirty, prom night. I made a reservation at the Copa Cabana for five o'clock. I took my date and we wathced them set up. I was, as a matter of fact, when I think of it, terrorised as an adolescent. I was not that young when it happened, I was...eh...I guess about thirteen or so at the time, and was on my way to an amateur music contest. And, my family is musical, you should know that, my father used to play the tuba as a young man, he tried to play the tuba, he tried to play "Flight of the Bumblebee", and blew his liver out through the horn.

Now I'm on the subway with my clarinet [jewish?] jazz musician style, unwrapped and everything, and these twelve guys come running through the subway. Really hairy-knuckled types, y'know, raced through there. Apparently they just come from a settlement house, y'know' as they were dribbling a social worker as they went through the car. They stop right over me, y'know, because I was conspicous, 'cause I had just eaten a sea-food lunch, I had forgotten to remove the lobster bib, y'know, so I looked like a farmer with a fat tie, y'know, with Neptune on it. They stand over me, they start cursing and smoking and tearing up seats, y'know. I don't say anything, y'know, I just sit there, look down, continue reading 'Heidi'. All of a sudden the leader puts his finger under my neck, like this, and goes feeww. I got up. He snapped his knee up, quickly, and I refused to give him the satisfaction of doubling over, but I did one of the greatest imitations of Lily Ponds, you've ever heard. I hit an M over high C and I'm being [????]. Showed up an hour late for the music contest. Came in second anyhow. I won two weeks at Interfaith Camp, where I was sadistically beaten by boys of all races and creeds.

The Science Fiction Film

I wrote a science fiction film which I'll tell you about. It's ten after four in the afternoon, and everybody in the world mysteriously falls asleep. Just like that, they are driving cars, whatever they are doing, bang!, they got to sleep, the Russians, the Chinese, the Americans, and the whole world sleeps for exactly one hour, till ten after five, and they wake up at ten after five, and mysteriously upon awakening everybody in the world find themselves in the pants business.
Stay with us, 'cause it's brilliant.

Everybody is making cuffs and flies and cutting velvet, y'know, And a spaceship lands from another planet, and men get out with jackets and shirts and black socks - no trousers at all. They say: "Are the pants ready?" We say: "No. Could you come back thursday?". They say they must have them, 'cause they are going to a wedding, and we work dillingently and make pants constantly and they come to get them, and when they come to pick them up, they leave us with socks, hankerchiefs, pillowcases and soiled linnen, and they say: "Do it!", and the president of the United States goes on television and says that an alien superpower from outer space with superior intelligence is bringing us their laundry, and they are foiled, 'cause they travelled a hundred and seventeen million lightyears to pick it up, and they forget their ticket.

Eggs Benedict

I had once a pain in the chestal area. Now, I was sure it was heartburn, y'know, 'cause at that time I was married and my wife cooking with her nazi recipies, y'know, chicken Himmler. I didn't wanna pay twentyfive bucks to have it reaffirmed by some medic, that I had heartburn. But I was worried 'cause it was in the chestal area. Then it turns out my friend, Eggs Benedict, has a pain in his chestal area, in the same exact spot. I figured if I could get Eggs to go to the doctor, I could figure out what was wrong with me, at no charge, so I con Eggs. He goes. Turns out he's got heartburn. Cost him twentyfive dollars, and I feel great, 'cause I figured I beat the medic out of twentyfive big ones, y'know. Called up Eggs two days later - he died. I check into a hospital immediately, have a battery of test run and x-rays. Turns out I got heartburn. Cost me a hundred and ten dollars. Now I'm furious. I run to Eggs' mother, and I say: "Did he suffer much?" And she said: "No, it was quick. Car hit him and that was it."

Oral Contraception

I must pause for one fast second and say a fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, and she said "No".

European Trip

I have been in Europe for the last six months making a film called What's New Pussycat, starring Peter O'Toole and Peter Sellers and myself, in that order, and it's the first time in my life, that I ever acted in anything like that. I have acted before, but I don't count it, many many years ago I was the nursery school play, when I was a child. I played the part of Stanley Kowalski in the school play of A Streetcar Named Desire, and I was one of the great five years old Stanleys. And..I wrote the film, and it's an autobiographically movie. It's based on the experiences of a great ladies man and I ... you're laughing? ... it so happens, on my honeymoon night my wife stopped in the middle of everything to give me a standing ovation.

Yes, as a matter of fact, you should know the etymology of how I got to Europe in the first place, which is fascinating. I was appearing in Greenwich Village at a coffee house in Bleeker street called the Integration Bagle Shop and Flea Parlor. I was the master of ceremonies on the bed, y'know, and I was on with real Greenwich Village acts, y'know, myself and an eskimo vocalist, who sang Night and Day six months at a time. A little blond girl with a child by a future marriage, y'know, [???] and in walks one night mr. Feldman, our producer, and he just adored me on sight. He thought I was attractive and sensual and good-looking, y'know, and just made for motion pictures. He is a little short man with red hair and glasses. And he asked me if I ever wrote anything before, and I have been a televison writer for years, and I wrote a three-act versed tragedy about a vetenarian faith healer, who restored speech to a parrot, y'know, and I also wrote a short story about my first year of marriage, which Alfred Hitchcock showed interest in for a while. And he flies me out to Europe, absolutely all expenses paid, TWA flight, y'know, movie on the flight and everything. Irene Dunne in The Life of Emelia Earhart, y'know, ... sitting shaking on the plane, y'know.

And I meet a girl at my European analyst's. I have to explain this: I was going to a European analyst, that meant a European boy can see my analyst for six months, y'know. The neurotic exchange program. And I invite her up to my hotel. I get all ready for our dinner date, y'know, I anoint myself completely, I beat my body with auto wrenches. I throw an ample light on me, to make me look really effective. Two little backlights to give me the illusion of three dimensions, a baby spot to pick out the brown in my eyes, and I put on my mood music records, y'know, my Arthur Godfrey Hawaiian music. She had invited me over to her place, but I didn't want to log the lights and everything, y'know, so...and...oh! I didn't dress properly, this was partially my fault, I know how to dress better now, but I was not a good dresser a short while ago. You don't wear argyle with dark blue. I had on dark blue socks and an argyle suit. I looked like a farmer, y'know, and my radiator breaks and the hotel room is absolutely freezing, and I'm ashamed, y'know, because she is going to come into a cold room, so I go into the bathroom and I turn on the hot water in the shower, which is an old Brooklyn trick to heat the apartment, and hot water comes down and billows of steam come into the living room. And icecold air is seeping in under the windowsill and the two fronts meet in the living room, and it starts to rain in my hotel room. I'm standing there in the rain, and I did not do well with the girl.

Europe for me, as a matter of fact, was a series of near misses. I was at a cast party with our cast, and I was in the corner and I was playing the vibes, very sexy like a jazz musician - up and down. And a great girl comes up behind me, really elaborate, and she says to me "You play vibes?" I say "Yeah, it helps me sublimate me sexual tensions." She says "Why don't you let me help you sublimate your sexual tensions.", so I figured "Great", y'know, "here's a girl who plays vibes." I turned quickly and asked her out for a date, but Peter O'Toole, who's in the movie, asked her out first - aces me out, y'know - and she was a beautiful girl, so I said to her "Could you bring a sister for me?", and she did: Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow night, y'know. We discussed the New Testament, y'know. We agreed that He was extremely well adjusted, for an only child.

The Lost Generation

I mentioned before that I was in Europe. It's not the first time that I was in Europe, I was in Europe many years ago with Ernest Hemingway. Hemingway had just written his first novel, and Gertrude Stein and I read it, and we said that is was a good novel, but not a great one, and that it needed some work, but it could be a fine book. And we laughed over it. Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

That winter Picasso lived on the Rue d'Barque, and he had just painted a picture of a naked dental hygenist in the middle of the Gobi Desert. Gertrude Stein said it was a good picture, but not a great one, and I said it could be a fine picture. We laughed over it and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

Francis Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald came home from their wild new years eve party. It was April. Scott had just written Great Expectations, and Gertrude Stein and I read it, and we said it was a good book, but there was no need to have written it, 'cause Charles Dickens had already written it. We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.

That winter we went to Spain to see Manolete fight, and he was... looked to be eighteen, and Gertrude Stein said no, he was nineteen, but that he only looked eighteen, and I said sometimes a boy of eighteen will look nineteen, whereas other times a nineteen year old can easily look eighteen. That's the way it is with a true Spaniard. We laughed over that and Gertrude Stein punched me in the mouth.

Good night.

Woody Allen

WOODY ALLEN QUOTES



To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.




Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.


Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!
What's New, Pussycat? (1965)




I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
Take the Money and Run (1969)
Allen: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it?
Woman: Yes, it is.
Allen: What does it say to you?
Woman: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of man forced to live in a barren, godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror, and degradation, forming a useless, bleak straitjacket in a black, absurd cosmos.
Allen: What are you doing Saturday night?
Woman: Committing suicide.
Allen: What about Friday night?





A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy (1982)
Millions of books written on every conceivable subject by all these great minds and in the end, none of them knows anything more about the big questions of life than I do ... I read Socrates. This guy knocked off little Greek boys. What the Hell's he got to teach me? And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. It's not worth it. And Freud, another great pessimist. I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar. 




Radio Days (1987)
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)
We're worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques. This thing here. This is from — I don't remember exactly. I think it's the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something. But that's where it's from.


Small Time Crooks (2001)
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.
The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2001)
The man who said "I'd rather be lucky than good" saw deeply into life. People are afraid to face how great a part of life is dependent on luck. It's scary to think so much is out of one's control. There are moments in a match when the ball hits the top of the net and for a split second it can either go forward or fall back. With a little luck it goes forward and you win. Or maybe it doesn't and you lose.



Match Point (2005)
As a filmmaker, I'm not interested in 9/11 [...] it's too small, history overwhelms it. The history of the world is like: He kills me, I kill him, only with different cosmetics and different castings. So in 2001, some fanatics killed some Americans, and now some Americans are killing some Iraqis. And in my childhood, some Nazis killed Jews. And now, some Jewish people and some Palestinians are killing each other. Political questions, if you go back thousands of years, are ephemeral, not important. History is the same thing over and over again.
Interview in Der Spiegel, 2005-06-20 (as quoted by the New York Post) [1]


I have no apprehension whatsoever. I've been through this so many times. And I found that one way or the other, your life doesn't change at all. Which is sad, in a way. Because the people love your film... nothing great happens. And people hate your film... nothing terrible happens. Many years ago, I would... I would... a film of mine would open, and it would get great reviews, and I would go down and look at the movie theater. There'd be a line around the block. And when a film is reviled, you open a film and people say "Oh, it's the stupidest thing, it's the worst movie." You think: oh, nobody's going to ever speak to you again. But, it doesn't happen. Nobody cares. You know, they read it and they say "Oh, they hated your film." You care, at the time. But they don't. Nobody else cares. They're not interested. They've got their own lives, and their own problems, and their own shadows on their lungs, and their x-rays. And, you know, they've got their own stuff they're dealing with.... So, I'm just never nervous about it.



September 2007 interview, promoting Cassandra's Dreams
To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
New York Times Interview, 2010
Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.
The Woody Allen Companion[, ed. StephenJ. Spignesi (1993), Ch.7
[edit]Bananas (1971)
Fielding Mellish: You busy tonight?
Norma: Some old friends are coming over. We're gonna show some pornographic movies.
Fielding Mellish: You need an usher?



Nancy: Have you ever been to Denmark?
Fielding Mellish: I've been...yes, to the Vatican.
Nancy: The Vatican? The Vatican is in Rome.
Fielding Mellish: Well, they were doing so well in Rome that they opened one in Denmark.


I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.




Nancy: You're immature, Fielding!
Fielding Mellish: How am I immature?
Nancy: Well, emotionally, sexually and intellectually.
Fielding Mellish: Yeah, but what other ways?


Prosecutor: Tell the court why you think he is a traitor to this country.
Miss America: I think Mr. Mellish is a traitor to this country because his views are different from the views of the president and others of his kind. Differences of opinion should be tolerated, but not when they're too different. Then he becomes a subversive mother.
Fielding Mellish: I object, Your Honor! This trial is a travesty! It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham! I call a mistrial Your Honor! Do you realize there is not one homosexual in the jury?
Judge: Yes there is!
Fielding Mellish: Really? Which one? Is it that big guy on left?





"Conversations with Helmholtz"
[edit]My Philosophy
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune.
Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
[edit]Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) (1972)
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.



[edit]Sleeper (1973)
Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.
Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

[edit]Love and Death (1975)


To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you're getting this down.
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you're getting this down.
Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter... if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he is evil. I think that the worst thing you could say is that he is, basically, an under-achiever.
After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I'm talking about.
The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.



Regarding love... what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?
Sonja: "Violence is justified in the service of mankind!"
Boris: Who said that?
Sonja: Attila the Hun!
Boris: You're quoting a Hun to me?
Sonja: Sex without love is an empty experience!
Boris: Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best!
Countess: You are a great lover!
Boris: I practice a lot when I'm alone.
Sonja: Boris, Let me show you how absurd your position is. Let's say there is no God, and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses. What prevents you from murdering somebody?
Boris: Murder's immoral.
Sonja: Immorality is subjective.
Boris: Yes, but subjectivity is objective.
Sonja: Not in a rational scheme of perception.
Boris: Perception is irrational. It implies immanence.
Sonja: But judgment of any system or a priori relation of phenomena exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstracted empirical concept such as being or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself.
Boris: Yeah, I've said that many times.
Him: Come to my quarters tomorrow at three.
Sonja: I can't.
Him: Please!
Sonja: It's immoral. What time?
Him: Who is to say what is moral?
Sonja: Morality is subjective.
Him: Subjectivity is objective.
Sonja: Moral notions imply attributes to substances which exist only in relational duality.
Him: Not as an essential extension of ontological existence.
Sonja: Can we not talk about sex so much?
Sgt: Next week, we leave for the front. The object will be to kill as many Frenchmen as possible. Naturally, they are going to try and kill as many Russians as possible. If we kill more Frenchmen, we win. If they kill more Russians, they win.
Boris: What do we win?
Sgt: What do we win, private?
Boris: Nothingness. Non-existence. Black emptiness.
Sonja: What did you say?
Boris: Oh, I was just planning my future.
Boris: (a) Socrates is a man.(b) All men are mortal.(c) All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. I'm not a homosexual. Once, some Cossacks whistled at me. I happen to have the kind of body that excites both persuasions.



Boris: Then there is a God. Incredible. Moses was right. [a ray of light shines over Boris] He that abideth in truth will have frankincense and myrrh smeared on his gums in abundance, and he shall dwell in the house of the Lord for six months with an option to buy. But the wicked man shall have all kinds of problems. His tongue shall cleave to the roof of his upper palate. And he shall speak like a woman, if you watch him closely. And he shall... The wicked man shall be delivered into the hands of his enemy, whether they can pay the delivery charge or not. And... [ray of light turns off] Wait, I have more about the wicked man. [turns on again] I shall walk through the valley of the shadow of death... In fact, now that I think of it, I shall run through the valley of the shadow of death, cos' you get out of the valley quicker that way. And he that hath clean hands and a pure heart is OK in my book. But he that fools around with barnyard animals has got to be watched.



Boris: I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If he was a carpenter, I wondered what he charged for bookshelves.
Sonja: I do believe that this is truly the best of all possible worlds.
Boris: Well, it's certainly the most expensive.
[edit]Without Feathers (1975)


What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"—probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
"The Early Essays"
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.


"The Early Essays"
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.



"The Early Essays"
What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.
"No Kaddish for Weinstein"
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
"Selections from the Allen Notebooks"
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
"Selections from the Allen Notebooks"
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
"Selections from the Allen Notebooks"
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
"Scrolls"

from the play "God"
Rabbi Raditz of Poland was a very short rabbi with a long beard, who was said to have inspired many pogroms with his sense of humor. One of his disciples asked, "Who did God like better, Moses or Abraham?"
"Abraham," the Zaddik said.
"But Moses led the Israelites to the Promised Land," said the disciple.
"All right, so Moses," the Zaddik answered.



"Hassidic Tales, with A Guide to Their Interpretation by the Noted Scholar"
[edit]Annie Hall (1977)
Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible are the cancer patients and the terminal cases... the miserable is everyone else. So, be thankful that you're miserable.
There's an old joke... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life — full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness — and it's all over much too quickly.
The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious", and it goes like this — I'm paraphrasing — um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.


I thought of that old joke: This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken.' And the doctor says, 'Well why don't you turn him in?' and the guy says, 'I would, but I need the eggs.' Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. They're totally irrational and crazy and absurd, but I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.
[edit]Manhattan (1979)


Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.
This is so antiseptic. It's empty. Why do you think this is funny? You're going by audience reaction? This is an audience that's raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.
I think that people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.


You know a lot of geniuses, y'know. You should meet some stupid people once in a while, y'know, you could learn something.


What are you telling me, that you're, you're, you're gonna leave Emily, is this true? And, and run away with the, the, the winner of the Zelda Fitzgerald emotional maturity award?
It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.
[edit]Side Effects (1980)
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.



"The UFO Menace"
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
"The UFO Menace"
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
"My Speech to the Graduates"
[edit]My Apology
Woody Allen as Socrates...
Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.


Death is a state of non-being. That which is not, does not exist. Therefore death does not exist. Only truth exists. Truth and beauty. Each is interchangeable, but are aspects of themselves. Er, what specifically did they say they had in mind for me?
Hey listen — I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away.
Agathon: But all that talk about death being the same as sleep.

Where I grew up... in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide... you know, everyone was too unhappy.
[edit]Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)
Taste my tuna casserole — tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!
I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.




My brother beat me. My sister beat my brother. My father beat my sister, my brother, and me. My mother beat my father, my sister, my brother, and me. The neighbors beat our family. The family down the street beat the neighbors and our family.
I'm twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don't understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.


[edit]Don't Drink the Water (1994)
[about his daughter] I'd rather she grew up here than grew up as an orphan, you know I can tolerate anybody's orphans but my own.
...years of insanity have made this guy crazy!
[edit]Deconstructing Harry (1997)


Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.


No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
[On being called a self-hating Jew] Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish.
Doris: You have no values. With you its all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!
The most beautiful words in the English language aren't "I love you" but "it's benign."


[edit]Standup Comic (1999)
A CD compilation of Allen comedy routines from 1964-1968
A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.
I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said "no."
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.


I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.


I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[edit]Mere Anarchy (2007)


How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "Planck length" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter?
How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "Planck length" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter? Imagine if you dropped one in a dark theater how hard it would be to find.
And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
With that, he scribbled in an additional ninety thousand dollars on the estimate, which had waxed to the girth of the Talmud while rivaling it in possible interpretations.
I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.
She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.




I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum.
Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat — especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.