Mad tv.

Appraiser- Nicole Sullivan
Bunifa- Debra Wilson
Security Guard- Aries Spears


Narrator: It's the Antiques Roadshow. This week, we're in Hawthorn, California.

Appraiser: (appraising a spoon with a random client) This, this spoon is from, uh, the 17th century, France. It's just exquised. The markings on the handle art are simply wonderful. I would value this spoon somewhere between 5 and 10 thousand dollars.

Bunifa: (in background) 10 Thousand dollas?! (walks in with bag, talkin' on cell phone) See Sonya? Girl, listen to me. I told you you should've come down here wit me! Girl, some woman walked off with a spoon at 10 THOUSAND DOLLAS!!

Appraiser: May I have the next appraisal please?

Bunifa: 'Iiiight, I'm comin'. I'm comin'. (to Sonya) You know what you should do? You should bring out that nappy ass weave you used to wear and see what you can fo it!! (giggle)... Why? 'Cause you ain't usin' it!... Well, you shouldn't be. Damn, Sonya, that's just nasty!

Appraiser: Please, Ma'am, people are waiting.

Bunifa: Ah, ah, ah, ah! (to Sonya) I gotta go. (hangs up) I SAAAAIIID I was comin'. Didn't you hear me?! Look at you! Brushin' a sista along! I ain't no house maid! Look at you.

Appraiser: Perhaps I should take the next person in line...

Bunifa: Looka! Boom Boom Boom! Here I am! Hiii! Hi! Hey! Here I am! (presents herself)

Appraiser: What've you brought us today?

Bunifa: Awe! Okay. First-- (looks in camera) That's on right? Can they see me?

Appraiser: Yes, yes.

Bunifa: Hi! (walks up to camera) My name is Bunifa Latifah Halifah Sharifa Jackson right here is Hawthorn ya'll! (walks back to Appraiser)

Appraiser: That's fine. Ma'am. Please, please. What've you brought us today?

Bunifa: Awe 'kay! Okay. You gon' love this, okay? 'Cause it's been handed down from generation to generation and my family's been here for a long, long time. Okay. (reaches into bag) You ready?

Appraiser: Yes, I'm ready.

Bunifa: BBBBBB'd'd'd'd'd'd'd'd'd'd'd... (pulls out a "What's Happenin'" plate) Tttttch.

Appraiser: (takes plate) Why don't you tell us a little bit about how you came to own this... uh, piece.

Bunifa: It used to belong to my great-grammy, Bonifa Monita Tasesha Fonna Jackson, you know, before she past. (looks up) God rest her soul. I love you grammy! Um, but she used to collect a lot of stuff, you know? She used to collect, like, soda cans and cardboard boxsprings, egg cartons, and styrophome and plastic. Damn, she used to collect a lotta stuff. She never threw nothin' out, now I think about it. And it's a good thing, too! See? (touches plate) Look at that!

Appraiser: Yes, Thank you. This, this seems to be a collectors plate from the uh, 70's sitcom, What's Happenin'...

Bunifa: (looks in camera) HEY HEY HEY!!

Appraiser: Hey. Yes, hey. Uh, it's manufactured by Hasbro...

Bunifa: Yeah and thats an old company! Hasbro. It's old.

Appraiser: It's made of medium quality plastic...

Bunifa: Yeah, yeah! (taps plate) But look! Listen! That's antique plastic.

Appraiser: Yes, uh, yes. You can tell by the markings on the back that this was packaged inside a box of Quisp cereal. Yes, I don't know how they fit that in the box originally--

Bunifa: But Quisp is old, too. That's an old cereal. Ain't that old too?

Appraiser: Yes, yes. There seem to be some sort of fading here on the front.

Bunifa: That's because grammy used to put her colli-greens on re-runs face so she didn't have to look at that foll while she was eating! (giggles)

Appraiser: Yes, I'm going to value this plate somewhere between 5 and 6 dollars.

Bunifa: (gets angry) EEEERRRT. Let's back this bitch up, okay? Now some woman walk outta here with a spoon at 10 thousand dollas and you gon' tell me 6 dollas fo' my plate?

Appraiser: I'm sorry. That's my appraisal. (hands back plate)

Bunifa: Aiiight. Aiiight. It's like that, huh? Huh, it's just like that. Imma get 6 dollas from my plate. Uh huh. And I know why too. 'Cause I'm BLACK!! That's why!

Appraiser: Ma'am, ma'am. That spoon was over 200 years old. That can't compare with something... (picks up plate)

Bunifa: That's what she told you? HAHAHAHA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! You just got played! Welcome to Hawthorn! Lemme tell you somethin'! I seen same spoon in tha Pick-N-Save and it won't no 10 thousand dollas!

Appraiser: Well, ma'am. I am very sorry. That is my appraisal. Please take your plate and leave ma'am. Please, step aside.

Bunifa: 'Iiight, fine! But, lemme tell you somethin'! (nice) I'll take tha 6 dollas, then. Okay.

Appraiser: Well, well. I'm not interested in buying it.

Bunifa: Nah, nah. It's okay. I'll take tha 6. Okay? I'll take tha 6.

Appraiser: No, no. Ma'am, ma'am. I'm the appraiser. I'm not the buyer.

Bunifa: Then why you offerin' me 6 dollas?

Appraiser: Well, I didn't.

Bunifa: Yes you did.

Appraiser: No I didn't.

Bunifa: Yes you did.

Appraiser: No I didn't.

Bunifa: (angry) Yes you did!

Appraiser: Ma'am, I--

Bunifa: YES YOU DID! YES YOU DID! Oh! So, what am I? A liar, here now? I'm a liar. She just call me a liar! I'm some dumb, stupid liar. I'm some dumb, stupid lyin' bitch.

Appraiser: Ma'am. I did not call you those names.

Bunifa: So, now she sayin' I'm deaf. I'm deaf, huh? I'm some DUMB, STUPID, LYIN', DEAF BITCH with a 6 dolla DINNA PLATE!! Right?

Appraiser: Security! Please.

Bunifa: That's why I am to you, huh? No justice, no peace. That's ahh--

Security Guard: (comes from behind) Excuse me, ma'am.

Bunifa: Wait, what'd'd'd I do? What'd'd' what'd'd'd I do? What'd'd'd'd what'd'd'd I do? What what'd'd'd'd I do? What'd'd'd what'd'd'd I do? What'd'd'd'd I do?

Security Guard: Ma'am, let's go. (pulls on Bunifa)

Bunifa: Ahhhhh! Brutha, you hurtin' me. Okay? That hurt... and I like it. Ohhh. Did anybody tell you you look like a light-skinned Whesley Snipes?

Security Guard: No.

Bunifa: Ahhh. Yeahhh.

Security Guard: Your plate.

Bunifa: Oh, okay. (takes plate)

Security Guard: Excuse me, sista. Is that a "What's Happenin'" Dinna plate?

Bunifa + Security Guard: HEY HEY HEY!

(Appraiser makes a face)

Bunifa: Yeah, you make your constipated face all you want. Look what I'm walkin' home wit. This is what I'm gonna be appraisin' tonight. Get rough and drag me out.

(Security Guard starts to drag Bunifa out)

Bunifa: Yes! No justice, no peace! Harder baby...

(They leave)